Serial Experiments Lain - 10/10 (Rewatch)

i started my SEL rewatch on a whim; i'd gotten an HDMI to AV converter for my CRT then, and i really wanted to test it out, but in truth, just like a large part of my top 10 (Evangelion...) i'd been wanting to rewatch Lain for a long while now. i first got into lain i believe after quarantine, but not too long into it, since i still wasn't truly animanga pilled by that point. still, it hit me like crack cocaine; it pretty immediately shot up into my favourite anime of all time, even if i'd stopped being able to keep coherent track of the show by episode 4. actually, at that point it was precisely because it confused me so much that i loved it so much; half the fun of watching evangelion for the first time then was just trying to figure out what the fuck was happening by the latter half of the series, scouring wikis, fansites and the like for theories and speculation that i could use to make up my own understanding of the series. in that sense, Lain gave me exactly what i was looking for.

still, as time passed and my tastes grew, my memories faded. out of all the anime i owe a rewatch, Lain's been at the top of my bucket list the longest, given that as my brain went through its usual phase in phase out with it, it eventually started to fade from my memory. i'd always put it off, though, primarily with excuses like 'not being in the mood to get brainfucked' and the like. still, once i'd started that first episode, it felt like a waste to let it sit and rot like my Kill La Kill rewatch (which, according to my MAL page, has been going on since this time last year) so eventually i forced myself to continue it, and via forcing myself i ended up getting in the mood anyway. go figure.

having finished this rewatch, i can say a few things relatively confidently, and others not confidently at all. usually, when i rewatch something, it's an experience of rediscovery; rewatching Hi Score Girl made me realize that not only is it 'that one weird anime with the arcade games i used to watch', it's both a total love letter to the most interesting period of the most interesting scene in the entire medium of videogames, alongside also being just a sincerely amazing romcom overall. rewatching Kobayashi's Dragon Maid made me realize that, while yes, it is as objectionable as people say, there is genuine good in its writing as a result of things like the relationship between Tohru and Kobayashi, and just Ilulu in general (yes, i'm serious).

rewatching Lain, on the other hand, was... nothing like this at all. it actually evoked a lot of familiar feelings akin to my first watch; it didn't change my perspective, or had me rediscover anything. in truth, i actually remembered the series better than i used to think i did; naturally, given the biggest difference between my first watch and my second watch is that in the second one i understood 40% more of what was happening on a scene-by-scene basis, though not with 100% consistency.

what i did discover, is that i don't truly understand my love for Serial Experiments Lain. not really. usually me rewatching something boils down to 'i don't remember how this goes, and as a result i want to experience it again so i don't fall out of love with it completely'. by contrast, by rewatching Lain, i've discovered that i was never at risk of falling out of love with Lain. regardless of how jaded the series's flanderization in the eyes of the people who haven't seen it can make me, regardless of how much my tastes have developed since then and will continue to develop over time, regardles of how much i discover and rediscover about my taste in japanese media, i don't think i'll ever truly fall out of love with Lain. it wasn't that long ago since i watched this anime, but watching it again feels like tapping into a core of my being. like i watched Lain at such a formative time for my interests that my love for it has faded into the background and become a core part of who i am as a person, despite the fact that if someone were to ask me to describe what i love so much about Lain now, all i could do is shrug and tell them 'it's complicated'.

as i continue reading more manga and watching more anime, i imagine the question of 'do i like this more than i like Lain?' will continue to pop up, again and again. it's happened with Madoka Magica, it's happened with Kill La Kill, it's happened with Shimeji Simulation, it's happened with My Hero Academia, and it's happened with Yofukashi no Uta. but beyond Yofukashi being the exception to the rule, i don't think i'll ever be able to doubt myself again like i used to before. it's become a pretty simple question, now.

'no. no i don't.'